I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
My beach vacation Google searches
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Generation gap…
Cherry seeds are just the pits.