I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.