If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.