Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.