it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
relationship goals
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
TODAY
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’