“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom