“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”