I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
He wanted to make sure😂
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
So we got a goldfish…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes