ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard