Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Its true…
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book