If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
🍛
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen