SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?