told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My dad teaching me to drive
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.