HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
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“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.