I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
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Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Meanwhile in Canada…
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.