My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
You Might Also Like
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things