me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS