my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Nice try, NASA
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
and now we wait
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The pen is writier than the sword.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”