hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Customer is always right
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today