People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.