“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.