Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Said the murderer.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary