The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
☺️
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.