Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad