I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA