🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
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Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Wikigenius
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Breaking news:
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.