Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.