Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My time has come.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.