Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Before crowbars crows drank alone
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up