The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
This could be us but you eatin’
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life