Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You’ll be OK
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?