How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If you love someone, let them tweet.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are