They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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mom gave me mine for free
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag