I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!