My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.