Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
When libraries troll their patrons.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Would you wear it?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps