ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
listen closely
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”