My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Saw online –
i would wish you the best but i am the best
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
calling in to work dehydrated
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that