Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security