[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Lmbo
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.