Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
me when i see my girls butt
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Everything reminds me of my ex
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face