The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
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*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
found this cool rock hiking today
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.