Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji