saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.