Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Ain’t no way
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.