Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.