In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
i love modern commerce
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.