my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
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All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack