#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine