During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on